i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
