glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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