I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Two words: blizzard sex
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
