I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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