Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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