I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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