Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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