I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
