So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
