I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
