Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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