I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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