If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
In other news, I just burned my penis
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
