What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
