im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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