What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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