Don't make out with my wife yet
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
