Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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