I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
