Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
