On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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