I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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