I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
