Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
