he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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