the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
