Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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