somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Randomize
