I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
