My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
