i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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