I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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