Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
