don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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