Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
