You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
