Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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