All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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