i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
