I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
