What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
