I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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