she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
