Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
