just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
