fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
