The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
