I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
