I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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