I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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