I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
